I have a few things coming up that strike fear into the hearts of fatties everywhere. A family party, 2 concerts and a holiday..a SUMMER holiday. Requiring me in swimmers.
The thing is that I'M mostly ok with my weight. So why the fear??
1-I'm going to have to go shopping for some new clothes. Clothes shopping is the natural enemy of the fat woman. I don't have a ton of cash to spend on fancy gear so I'm going to have to make do with chain store type stuff. I'm an Australian size 18 which is kind of like limbo. I am the last size in the "normal range", if they make it or the 1st size in the plus sizes (I find a 16 in plus sizes fits fine but a regular 16 is too small. Le sigh). So I kind of have a choice between the clothes probably being a little too tight as they are not made for fat women but look "cool" or clothes that fit better (maybe) but that I probably don't like.
2-People will notice that I've put on weight. I hate them noticing. I hate that I hate them noticing.
3-swimmers and the beach. It is these 2 things that make me realize just how far I have to go on my body acceptance journey. I am very self conscious about being on the beach in nothing but swimwear with all the beachy types. The message from the media is clear-fat is disgusting. Not only am I fat. I'm hairy. I loved this post at Definatalie about body hair. I do struggle with feeling exposed in my swimmers. I *want* to look "hot" in swimmers. We are so conditioned to want that. It makes me sad.
The irony? It's years of trying to be thinner that have made me fat. There are many studies to show that calorie restrictive diets and excessive exercise make you lose weight-but after the diet ends most (like around 95%) of people put the weight back on-with interest! So those few big, short term weight loss successes I had are part of my body's desire to stay fat now to protect itself from "starvation". So I'll continue to practice Health At Every Size (although I'm sucking at the physical activity part. Three kids. 'nuff said) and keep reading other fat acceptance blogs to stay inspired. And poke in the eye anyone who makes cow noises at me on the beach.